Why “Settling In” Is Not the Same as “Belonging”

Most expatriates are very good at settling in. They find a place to live, open a bank account, learn how the systems work, and figure out where to shop, eat, and commute. They know which forms to fill, which offices to visit, and which WhatsApp groups to join. On paper, life looks organised. Everything seems fine. And yet, many people who have lived abroad for years will admit, often quietly, that something still feels missing. They are settled, but they don’t quite feel that they belong. These two ideas are often treated as the same. They are not.

Settling in is practical. Belonging is emotional. Settling in answers functional questions: where do I live, how do I get things done, who do I call when something breaks. Belonging asks different questions altogether: who notices if I’m not around, who do I call without a reason, where can I exist without having to explain myself. It is entirely possible to have an address, routines, and a full calendar, and still feel oddly peripheral to the place you live in.

In the early stages of living abroad, settling in takes up most of your energy. Everything is new, and simply functioning feels like an achievement. Expat networks are invaluable at this stage. They reduce friction, share information, and offer immediate support. But over time, they can also quietly become a ceiling. When most social interactions revolve around shared foreignness, the host country can remain something you live in, rather than something you live with.

Many long-term expats lead busy, full lives. Work, school schedules, social events, hobbies. Life moves along smoothly, yet there can be a lingering sense of distance. Not dramatic loneliness, but a quiet awareness of being slightly outside. Not fully unseen, but not fully known either. This is often where people say they love the country, but don’t feel rooted, or that they could leave tomorrow and nothing much would change.

Belonging does not happen automatically. It cannot be fast-tracked, outsourced, or solved with information. It grows slowly, through repeated small interactions. Through showing up when it is inconvenient. Through listening more than speaking. Through accepting that some things will not be explained, and that misunderstanding is part of the process. Belonging often feels uncomfortable before it feels familiar, and it requires letting go of the need to appear competent all the time.

Malaysia is often described as easy to live in. English is widely spoken, people are polite, and daily life is manageable. This can create the impression that belonging should come quickly. In reality, much of what matters in Malaysian society is relational and indirect. Trust builds quietly, invitations are subtle, and acceptance is shown through consistency rather than enthusiasm. Settling in may happen quickly. Belonging usually does not.

At Malaysian Link, we see settling in as the starting point, not the end goal. Our work is about helping people move, at their own pace, from being comfortable to being connected. From knowing how things work, to understanding how people relate. Belonging does not mean becoming local or giving up who you are. It means building relationships that are grounded, mutual, and real. And that takes time, not because something has gone wrong, but because belonging is something you grow into, not something you complete.

📷: Nuraisyamsuzura Rozaidi